Is There Really a Baby in There? December 18-20, 2010

For those of you who've been pregnant, you may or may not know what I'm talking about when I say I went into pseudo panic mode. It wasn't panic in that I was running around trying to figure out what we were going to do, or how we were going to manage, or anything like that. With the looming appointment just a few days away, my fear was that, even though the doctor told me that my U. was swollen; and even though the doctor's pregnancy test came back very positive; and even though I had all the right symptoms of a pregnant woman; when we went to the doctor's office on Tuesday, the ultrasound would show... nothing. We'd finally found a good reason for all of my symptoms, including the common hunger, tiredness, etc. And so, what if we went to the doctor and nothing was there?


How embarrassing would that be to tell your husband, "See, I'm eating like a pig and sloshing around the house doing nothing because I'm SO tired from being pregnant, that I can't do anything else," only to turn around and have it be... nothing. So everyday, I asked my husband, "What if nothing shows up on the ultrasound? What if it's all just a hoax?" He'd reassure me that he was 100% positive it wasn't going to turn out like that, but still, it wasn't good enough for me.


Over the course of a day, I'd convinced myself that we weren't pregnant. We decided that we weren't going to give anyone the news until after the ultrasound. My husband because he just wanted it that way; me because I was so sure it was going to come up blank.


It was more or less unreal for me, that my body may actually be the hub for creating a new baby. I've been telling my husband for a couple of years now that I was certain, because of how long I'd been on BC and other medications, that my reprods were too jacked up to be able to support that kind of task. And I had already come to the resolve of seeing a fertilization specialist and having him tell me that there was no hope. I had been mentally preparing for that moment for years! And now, doc, you tell me I have a baby in there?


Tuesday was less than 2 days away, and I promise those two days were an eternity. Seconds felt like hours, minutes felt like days, days felt like weeks. It wasn't fair! But, we'd find out in a couple of "weeks", anyway.